Joe states it plainly: “Being in a good relationship with myself is what taught me how to be in a good relationship with you.” His traumatic teenage years — nightly yelling, alcoholic father, getting kicked out, boarding school — replicated in his early marriage with Tara. It took 20+ years of healing work to break the pattern.
When he looks at families where kids are acting out, his reflection is that it’s usually “more of a reflection of the way the parents are in relationship with themselves and each other.” Esme confirms she can walk around school and spot whose parents are in strife — it’s “incredibly clear” from the kids’ behavior.
“If you yell at your kid you’re telling them it’s okay to yell back at you. If you don’t like your kid you’re telling them it’s okay not to like you.”
The modeling is automatic and bidirectional. The way you treat yourself teaches your child how to treat themselves, and the way you treat them teaches them how to treat you.
Related Concepts
- External patterns mirror internal ones
- Partners are perfectly matched to trigger you
- Teaching children to reference themselves builds their internal compass
- To not harm your children, love yourself
- Repair after mistakes is as important as getting it right