Joe discovered he and his wife were “perfectly matched” to trigger each other—and this is true for most long-term couples.
“I was exactly in a way like her father, just enough to trigger her. She was exactly like my mother in just enough of a way to trigger me. That we were going through our childhood wounds with each other.”
The Pattern
If you’ve been with someone for over six months and you’re stuck in a pattern, that pattern is almost certainly connected to childhood wounds. You’ve unconsciously chosen someone who activates exactly what needs to heal.
“Often times I was listening to her, but I wasn’t listening to her. I was listening to my mom or my dad. It wasn’t her. I was just living in some old trauma.”
The Reframe
This isn’t bad news—it’s an opportunity. If you can see your partner as “geared exactly to have me heal the stuff that I need to heal,” the relationship becomes a blessing rather than a burden.
Even “Bad” Partners Are Perfect
What about partners who don’t want to grow?
“‘My partner doesn’t want to grow.’ And I would say, ‘Wow, that’s your perfect match, isn’t it? That probably is exactly like your parents who didn’t want to meet you.‘”
Even the frustrating match is the perfect match for what you need to learn.
Related Concepts
- You only get the love you can let in
- Your relationship triggers are about you, not them
- Triggers reveal what we judge in ourselves
- Marriage as a dojo for self-development
- Your relationship with yourself shapes your relationship with your children
- We find love when we stop fearing annihilation