We’re drawn to what we learned as love—even if it was toxic.
“If you learned criticism was love as a kid—that love came with criticism—then you’re going to be attracted to somebody who criticizes you.”
The Drummer’s Insight
A drummer in Joe’s rock band said:
“I can walk into any room, close my eyes, throw a dart behind my back, and I will hit the woman with daddy issues—and that’s the person I’m going to be attracted to.”
We all know this pattern: attracted to people who aren’t good for us.
The Data
If someone was sexually assaulted as a child, their chances of being sexually assaulted as an adult skyrocket. The pattern wires together.
This is the extreme case, but we’re all doing some version of it.
Why It Happens
Love and [behavior] get wired together through early experience. The brain doesn’t distinguish “healthy love” from “love as I learned it.”
The Way Out
Not by avoiding attraction (impossible) but by changing the internal pattern that creates it. Stop the abusive relationship with yourself → stop attracting abusive relationships.
Related Concepts
- External relationship patterns mirror internal ones
- Partners are perfectly matched to trigger your wounds
- Love conditioning is somatic, not just intellectual
- What we do to maintain love erodes our power