Most people intellectually know that love isn’t abuse, criticism, or avoidance. But the body has its own belief system. In Groundbreakers retreats, when participants are overwhelmed with genuine love they haven’t felt before, they’ll literally say “I don’t understand why I think someone’s gonna hit me” or “I feel like I should be hit right now.”
“There’s the logical belief and then there’s the somatic belief system.”
This is why knowing better doesn’t change the pattern. The body was wired early: whatever accompanied love in childhood—criticism, chaos, avoidance—became the body’s definition of love. You can debate it intellectually forever. The body just knows: “this feels like love” even when “this” is someone being critical.
Unwinding this requires somatic work, not just intellectual understanding. That’s why saying “love yourself” feels impossible for many people—intellectually they agree, but the body has a completely different map of what love feels like.
Related Concepts
- We’re attracted to what we learned as love
- Dissociation removes your body’s learning signals
- What we do to maintain love erodes our power
- We can’t see the love that’s already available to us
- Love requires willingness to be hurt
- Trauma addiction is choosing what’s familiar, not what’s safe