Falling in love is signing up to be hurt — there is no way around it. You will be hurt, potentially daily, potentially devastatingly. This is not a bug of love; it’s inherent to its nature. Love is not a secure feeling in the conventional sense: it can go away, and its loss is among the most painful human experiences.
The avoidance of this pain is the avoidance of love itself. Every heartbreak, every drawn boundary, every moment of vulnerability increases the capacity to love. The tools for learning to love more deeply are the very experiences being avoided — which is why people can stay stuck in patterns of love avoidance for decades.
“If you are falling in love you are saying I sign up to be hurt and there is no way around it.”
Joe’s client illustrated this viscerally: intellectually knowing that openheartedness isn’t weakness, but his body believing that being open to someone who’s been mean is being “conned” and “taken advantage of.” Even having visited Gandhi’s ashram, the body’s protective wiring persisted. The work is learning to be undefended and open while still drawing boundaries — acknowledging that openness doesn’t mean abandoning self-care.
Related Concepts
- Heartbreak is expansion
- Being undefended erodes narcissism
- Engineering heartbreak to avoid heartbreak
- Longing and loneliness are love in disguise
- Healing requires untangling what was wired together with love in childhood
- Fear of losing yourself is what blocks intimacy
- Surrender into love prevents self-betrayal