Joe describes the most transformative emotional process of his life: periods where the only thing he could do was be completely undefended — showing up every day saying “I’m sorry” and accepting full responsibility. Not taking on the shame internally, but also not deflecting it.
“If you don’t defend yourself, nobody can attack you. It’s like the Zen thing — if you’re being attacked by a sword, be the ocean.”
This practice erodes narcissism rapidly because it requires you to feel everything. Narcissism, at its core, is just not feeling feelings. On the intellectual level, it’s the subtle ways we put ourselves above others.
But there’s a critical distinction: this isn’t the savior version where you heroically absorb everyone’s pain while controlling your emotional state. Brett notices the difference immediately — the savior “takes all the emotion out of your voice to maintain that role.” True undefendedness is the opposite: feeling all the pain, feeling the helplessness. Like the metaphor of Jesus on the cross — not stoically enduring, but crying out “why have you forsaken me.”
The result is ego death — the false sense of self burns away through the process.
“Death after death after death, until eventually the capacity begins to emerge to allow somebody to be wrong on the internet.”
Related Concepts
- Not defending reveals inherent goodness
- Openness to judgment beats defense
- Welcome shame, don’t push through it
- Feel what’s underneath the shame to break stagnation
- Shame about grief shuts down all emotions
- Shame is anger turned inward
- Letting judgment break your heart open is the path through