Very few people go through a grief process without shaming themselves somewhere along the way. They shame themselves for opposite things: not crying enough or crying too much, grieving too quickly or too slowly, feeling anger when they think they should only feel sadness, or feeling relief when they think they should only feel loss.
When we tell ourselves that one emotional state is not okay in the grief process, it shuts down all the other ones too — or it makes them spin endlessly. A woman who lost her husband after 53 years admitted she felt relief; immediately she started to tear up, then immediately shut it down. The relief was the gateway to her deeper grief, but shame about the “wrong” emotion blocked the entire process.
Joe emphasizes that if you’re not directing emotions at anyone, “they’re all appropriate, they’re all great, they all offer relief.” Grief moves fluidly when allowed — from anger to sadness to anger to sadness to fear and back — in waves that aren’t linear or logical. The mind’s attempt to manage which emotions are acceptable is precisely what prevents the natural movement of grief.
Related Concepts
- Suppressing one emotion suppresses all
- Shame stagnates emotional fluidity
- Actor technique for stuck emotions
- Feel what’s underneath the shame to break stagnation
- Grief is necessary for transformation
- Emotional titration is adaptive, not avoidant
- Being undefended erodes narcissism
- Shame is anger turned inward