When we discover that our problems stem from emotional avoidance, the immediate temptation is to beat ourselves up: “It’s my fault for avoiding this. All of these problems are my fault.” But this self-blame is itself another form of avoidance — it’s yet another strategy to not feel the underlying emotion.
If someone is avoiding sadness and starts beating themselves up for avoiding sadness, the self-attack is just another way to not feel the sadness. The algorithm applies recursively: the avoidance of the avoidance is still avoidance. This is why the golden algorithm can’t be used as a tool for blame — not blaming others, and not blaming yourself either.
“To beat yourself up over this is just another way not to feel it.”
This creates a particular trap for people in depression or shame spirals. They may feel the shame but not actually welcome it — staying in the shame feels safe because it provides an excuse not to be empowered, a hope that someone might rescue them. The distinction is between feeling an emotion and welcoming it — welcoming is what allows it to move through.
Related Concepts
- Shame creates the behaviors it punishes
- Shame addiction keeps you stuck
- Inner critic is not your voice
- Avoiding shame creates more shame through disconnection
- Feel what’s underneath the shame to break stagnation
- Embracing intensity removes the need for addictive escape
- Shame about grief shuts down all emotions