Christopher’s chronic autoimmune illness became intertwined with emotional suppression. As a child, expressing needs and pain led to being shunned. As an adult, the shame of being an “inconvenience” prevented him from expressing his pain — for the first eight years of illness, he rarely allowed the full expression of anguish. The stress response from constant “brake-pulling” and the autoimmune stress disorder form a feedback loop.
When he began allowing the full expression of pain — making weird noises, letting his body move, crying out — more spaciousness appeared around the pain. Joy and love became available. The pain didn’t feel nearly as bad as he thought. The suffering wasn’t primarily the pain itself but the suppression of the pain and the shame of having it.
His wife’s discomfort may not even be his pain — it may be watching him try to escape his pain. The dynamic of both partners “being brave” — him suppressing his victimhood, her suppressing her grief about unmet needs — creates a bind where neither can be fully present with the other.
“It sucks to be in pain all the time and I hate it. Fuck, I hate it for you. I’m not even experiencing the pain — I expand.”
“You’re not gonna have the life you want because I am in constant pain, and that sucks for you, and I can handle that.”
Related Concepts
- Unfelt emotions create physical stress
- Muscles constrict to block feeling
- Body work opens what mental process cannot
- Pulling the brakes on self-expression blocks flow and worsens suffering
- Fully allowing the victim experience naturally creates empowerment
- Shame about grief shuts down all emotions