In the anxious-avoidant dynamic, the person chasing connection doesn’t see that their chasing is simultaneously pushing love away. Jealousy repels. Neediness repels. The very behaviors that express “I want you” also communicate “I’m not enough,” which drives the partner further away.
The empowering — and initially unwelcome — realization is that you’re making a choice. Something in you equates love with chasing, not with receiving. You’re scared of the person across the room who actually wants to adore you. You don’t even find them attractive. The chase itself is the familiar feeling of love learned in childhood.
“There’s something in me that equates love with chasing, not love with receiving, and so I’m scared of a love where I receive.”
The way through is to fully feel and love the emotional states you’ve been avoiding: receiving love, feeling empowered, feeling worthy. And to grieve the years spent chasing a parent’s love through the faces of romantic partners.
Related Concepts
- Neediness repels what you want
- We attract what we learned as love
- Receiving requires vulnerability
- We beckon love consciously while pushing it away subconsciously
- Intense craving for something actually pushes it away
- The chaser-withdrawer dynamic makes both partners feel like they’re dying
- Longing and loneliness are love in disguise
- Chasing a relationship to cure loneliness prevents real connection