When someone tries to find a partner specifically to cure their loneliness, they almost always fail. Joe observes that in dozens of cases, none of the people chasing connection this way were simply showing up and saying, “This is who I am.” Instead, they were contorting themselves — monitoring their partner’s reactions, adjusting their behavior, trying to be what the other person wants. This very contortion disconnects them from themselves, which guarantees the loneliness continues even within the relationship.
The same dynamic plays out in long-term relationships. Whenever loneliness shows up, it’s because some part of the person doesn’t feel like it can be expressed. Speaking that truth — even at the risk of the relationship — dissolves the loneliness. One person in Joe’s MasterClass literally said, “I might lose the relationship, but I feel good,” because they’d finally shared their truth.
If your job description for a relationship is “make me not lonely,” the relationship is set up to fail. Loneliness is an inside job — it requires showing yourself, not finding someone to fill the void.
“None of them are just showing up and saying, ‘This is who I am.‘”
“I’ll watch somebody be needy as hell before they admit they’re lonely. And admitting they’re lonely isn’t annoying. Being needy can be very very annoying.”
Related Concepts
- Chasing love is also pushing it away
- Searching for love cuts off love
- Neediness repels what you want
- Longing and loneliness are love in disguise
- We find love when we stop fearing annihilation