Every pattern of romantic frustration — not finding anyone, being attracted to unavailable people, finding them but not being chosen — shares the same structure: consciously wanting love while subconsciously pushing it away. The mind says “I just want it” while the deeper system says “nope, pushing you away.”
Joe identifies several specific mechanisms: Jealousy says “I want you” while abusing and gaslighting the partner into leaving. Neediness says “I want you here for me” while creating a parent-child dynamic no one desires sexually. Self-reliance says “I want someone to show up” while making it impossible for anyone to help. Transactional relating says “I want intimacy” while reducing everything to negotiation. Each is a way of maintaining distance from real intimacy while telling yourself you want it.
“I’ve never heard a jealous person on their own come to me and say ‘yeah, I’m actively pushing away that person that I really want.’ But when I look at them in the eye and say ‘why are you pushing away this person with your jealousy,’ they kind of get this subconscious grin… and they’re like, ‘oh, busted.‘”
The patterns are often multiple and overlapping, and they’re typically wired in childhood through the template of love that was modeled.
Related Concepts
- Chasing love is also pushing it away
- Neediness repels what you want
- Avoidance of fear invites the feared outcome
- Fear of losing yourself is what blocks intimacy
- Longing and loneliness are love in disguise