In most relationship conflicts, one person tends to chase (pursuing connection, afraid of abandonment) and the other tends to withdraw (seeking space, afraid of being engulfed). For the chaser, their partner walking away feels like internal death — abandonment. For the withdrawer, being pursued feels equally like death — suffocation, loss of self.
“For the person who’s the chaser it is like death, internal death, to be abandoned. And so often times the person who’s the abandoner — it’s like death to be chased.”
Both partners experience a survival-level threat, but from opposite triggers. The chaser’s panic at withdrawal causes them to pursue harder, which triggers the withdrawer’s panic, causing them to flee further. This escalation cycle makes fights feel unresolvable — each person’s coping mechanism is precisely what triggers the other’s deepest fear.
The way out isn’t for either person to stop being who they are, but to leave fights in connection — maintaining the relational thread even while taking space. This allows the withdrawer to get the pause they need without triggering the chaser’s abandonment wound.
Related Concepts
- Agitator-avoider dynamic
- Both people in a fight want to be seen
- Fights are always about being seen and safe
- Chasing love is also pushing it away