Summary
Joe addresses the common dynamic where one partner needs to step away from a fight but the other partner experiences that withdrawal as abandonment. In most relationships, one person tends to be the “chaser” and the other the “love remover” — for the chaser, being left feels like internal death; for the withdrawer, being chased feels equally suffocating.
The key insight is that leaving a fight must be done in connection. Rather than storming off (“Fine, I’m going to bed”), you say something like “I need a break. I want to start again in 10 minutes.” The precise timeframe and the expressed intention to return transforms the experience from abandonment into a safe pause. Joe shares how this shift transformed his own relationship with Tara — once she could leave with an open heart and a clear return time, their fights became more civil, loving, and productive while still allowing the necessary conflict.
Key Concepts
- Leaving a fight in connection transforms conflict
- The chaser-withdrawer dynamic in relationships
- Safety enables productive conflict
Key Quotes
“When you’re leaving a fight to say hey I need a break I want to start again in 10 minutes… I’m not leaving you I’m just taking a minute for myself.”
“That’s a very different thing than saying hey I want to resolve this and I need a moment — because that one feels like the removal of love and one feels like oh they just need some space.”
“All of a sudden there was just so much more safety for everybody. She could feel safe because she didn’t have to feel like she was being yelled at. I could feel safe because I wasn’t going to get abandoned.”
“That level of safety and trust allowed for the conflict to just be so much more civil, so much more loving, so much more openhearted and yet still have the conflict that we needed.”
Transcript
you’re not alone in this idea that when you pull away from the fight that the your partner is like can’t have it you know chases you or doesn’t allow it to happen or like completely falls apart as a matter of fact like in the relationship with Tara especially at the beginning that was the case for me every time she was like oh I just need a moment for this to take a break I would like my whole system would like freak the fuck out I be like what the hell is going on here and I would lose I would totally lose myself and and I didn’t understand it so the reason that this works is because one person is usually like the Chaser and one person is usually like the okay like and they’re kind of the they’re more like the love remover right so one’s like chasing the love and one’s like removing the love typically so for the person who’s the chaser it is like death internal death to like be abandoned and so often times the person who’s the abandoner it’s like death to be chased like oh just like give me a fuck break give me a moment like leave me alone for a second I need to find myself and so both of them feel that way they feel like like a little bit of death for the person especially if it’s like a big trauma in their life no matter what you’re doing when you’re leaving a fight it’s really important to do it in connection so when you’re you’re leaving a fight to say hey I need a break I want to start again in 10 minutes is really and it’s a precise time like hey I’m not leaving you I’m just taking a minute for myself I’m going to come back in 10 minutes and we’re going to continue the conversation is a huge thing as compared to well fine fuck it I’m going to bed right that’s a very different thing than saying Hey I want to resolve this and I need a moment right because that one feels like the removal of love and one feels like oh they just need some space and they can come back so how you leave a fight is incredibly important because what you need is to feel like Hey we’re still connected we’re just having some conflict that’s the most productive way to leave a fight if you need to calm your nervous system if you need to just have a moment to think for yourself whatever it is or just you notice that you’re about to get angry at somebody and you don’t want to get angry at them because you don’t want to control them so you need to go out of the room for a moment and so the important piece is like how that fight is left I remember in this time where I was the angry person in the relationship with Tera I was the aggressively angry person she was the passively angry person right everybody’s angry and every time I would yell she’d be like I’m out of here and it was like this death for me and when we started to learn like hey I I want to pull out of my anger at so this actually gives me a break to to get composed and she would be able to say hey I’ll be back in 10 minutes I’m right here with you all of a sudden these breaks became like really great ways to have a fight it it wasn’t a death anymore and she could do it with an open heart and it was like Hey I’m okay with you being angry I just don’t want you to be angry at me I just need a break so that I can be in myself I’ll be back in 5 minutes minutes all of a sudden our fights completely changed is all of a sudden there was just so much more safety for everybody she could feel safe because she didn’t have to feel like she was being yelled at I could feel safe because I didn’t wasn’t going to get abandoned and that like level of safety and Trust allowed for the conflict to just be so much more civil so much more loving so much more openhearted and yet still have the conflict that we needed so that we could take our relationship to the next level