Summary
In this coaching session from a public Q&A, Joe works with a woman who has just come from marriage counseling and realizes she struggles to both give and receive compliments. She discovers that her inability to receive compliments is connected to a deeper pattern of resisting connection — her husband has been chasing her for 22 years, and she’s been pulling away.
Joe guides her through receiving a compliment and staying open to it, pointing out that both forms of ego — “I’m so good” and “I’m bad at this” — block connection. He then helps her see that her husband’s 22 years of showing up is the biggest compliment anyone could give, and that he sees something in her she doesn’t see in herself. As she lets this in, she begins to feel an expansiveness that is both overwhelming and amazing — a sensitivity that was her birthright before childhood conditioning shut it down. The session ends with her apologizing to herself for holding back her own emotions for so long.
Key Concepts
- Receiving compliments dissolves unworthiness
- Let compliments move through you
- Complimenting makes you the authority
- The expansiveness underneath resistance to love
- Chasing connection and pulling away
- Sensitivity locked down for safety
Key Quotes
“There’s kind of two forms of ego. There’s the ‘I’m so good,’ and then there’s ‘I’m bad at’ — and they both limit and they both get in the way of relationship and connection.”
“What happens if you fully allow the fact that your husband has always been there for you? Even if he’s fucked up, he shows up the next day there for you.”
“That’s the biggest compliment anybody could give you.”
“It also means he sees something in you that you don’t see in yourself.”
“The scary thing is that expansiveness that you’re feeling — that’s only like 2% of what’s coming your way.”
“I’m sorry I held you back for so long to just feeling the emotions that you wanted to feel for a very long time.”
Transcript
The more I thought about it, the sadder I got because I can’t even say it to strangers, much less my own husband or family. And I realized I didn’t trust enough to give compliments and that they would be received. That’s right. In this coaching session that happened during one of our public Q&A’s, we meet a woman who’s struggling in her marriage and she sees that she’s having a hard time receiving compliments and love. And as we dig, we find out what the expansiveness underneath all of that that she’s avoiding. So, just to get right to it, I had marriage counseling this morning. Oh, goodness. And this topic came up that was talking about giving and receiving compliments and how how bad I am at it. Even Are you bad at giving or bad at receiving or both? Both. So, um I really appreciate your self-awareness in this. Yeah, I’ve been working over the last two years to become more self-aware. And then you you really are not good at receiving them. That’s true. We’ve just question. Okay. Oh, yeah. Let’s try Let’s try it again. Okay. I really appreciate your self-awareness. Oh, and also the amount of care that you’re giving to working with your relationship to not just do marriage counseling, but then to show up here immediately afterwards and talk about the issue in front of all these people as a way to show your love and appreciation for your marriage. That’s really fucking cool. Thank you. And then I’m supposed to say, I appreciate your No, you’re not supposed to do No, you’re supposed to let it tickle you. If you want to do if you want to put a supposed to in there, you let it tickle you. Yeah. Yeah. The thing that that’s doing, just to be clear, is that that there’s there’s kind of two forms of ego. There’s the I’m so good, and then there’s I’m bad at and they both limit and they both get in the way of relationship and connection. And so, if you receive a compliment, it literally just evaporates some of that ego. So, again, I just really appreciate that you’re here for your marriage and yourself. Thanks for saying that. Okay, where were we? Yeah, I the more I thought about it, the sadder I got because I can’t even say it to strangers, much less my own husband or family. And I realized I didn’t trust That’s right. And so, how do I get past that? How do I be okay with giving and receiving? Okay, let’s do it. I want you to give me a compliment. You must have listened to podcasts. There must be something you can say that is some sort of compliment that’s genuine. I think that the work you’re doing is some of the most impactful I’ve ever experienced and I tell everyone about it. So, I really appreciate what you do. You’re just saying that. You’re just saying that. No, I truly mean it. I really do appreciate you. So that moment I rejected your compliment and you stayed in your open heart. Well, how did you do that? Well, I knew I had to because I’m here and you’re going to make me. That’s how I do. That’s how I do it, too. That’s how I do it, too. I like, “Oh, I know I have to because it’s going to really hurt if I don’t.” Yeah. But but for different reasons. I think that’s part of what I’ve learned this year is that forcing myself to do stuff that I know is uncomfortable, but like is going to help me along, but just trying to make it more natural and not forced is where I’m at. So here, check this out. Put your hands together like this and then just fold them together like that. And now do it the other way. And you notice how one is comfortable and one is uncomfortable. Mhm. But it’s the same thing, right? No force required. It’s just leaning into that feeling the same way you lean into the compliment. I just say that because the force slows down the process. Sure. And what about receiving? Like my husband is I told him he’s like the ultimate complimenttor. He’s on the other end of the spectrum. And so he says all these really nice things and I go like I did when we started. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. Okay. Right. Yeah. So what how do I Yeah. So let’s let’s Yeah. So let’s go into the actual deeper level just right below the compliment. Um, it feels like the whole relationship with your husband has been him like trying to get connection with you and you being somewhat resistant. How accurate is that? 100%. Okay. So, see what it’s like without any shame to apologize to your husband for making him chase you when all you really want is that connection. use his name, but no shame. Just like fully empowered. Yeah, Brad, I feel very sorry that you had to continually chase me to get that connection. And what do you want? I want the same thing. And what do you want him to do when he’s when he’s chasing and you’re pulling back? What what do you deeply most want from him in that moment? To keep coming at me to to save me to save you from what? Running away and not feeling the And what what’s the way that he can do that that just immediately lets your whole system relax? It takes a lot. I’m I have a lot of walls up, but um just really look me in the eye and grab my hand very gently and say, you know, I’m I’m here for you. That sounds good. So, here’s the weird part. It’s like just look at the faces that you can see and the thing. See if you can see if anybody’s actually not here for you right now. Maybe one. You might be able to find one. I can only see just a handful, so I won’t call anyone out. But yeah. Right? Like that’s the weird part is the whole maybe not all but enough of the world is wanting to be there for you. The problem is it’s the people who are closest to me that haven’t been there for me. Yeah, of course that’s always these people are great. But yeah, exactly. But but we’re talking about your husband. What happens if you fully allow instead of letting the compliment in? What happens if you fully allow the fact that your husband has always been there for you? Even if he’s fucked up, he shows up the next day there for you. Like, yeah. How many years has he been chasing you for connection? 22. 22 years. He’s shown up for you. Let it all the way down. You’ve got it like at your heart, but like all the Let it all the way down. That’s the biggest compliment anybody could give you. That’s overwhelming. It also means he sees something in you that you don’t see in yourself. That’s 100% accurate. So, why don’t we look at that part of you? He sees that like caring, loving, loyal. Look at that. Self-criticism just kicked in. Whoa. What just happened? Yeah. Just don’t always trust that it’s true. It’s not always true. You have kids? Yep. Do you love your kids? Very much. Yeah. Give me one compliment about them that you deeply feel. They are some of the most empathetic and caring kids I’ve ever met. Is that always true? No. They’re both teenagers. So, Right. But mostly Yes. Yeah. Right. So, there’s always a way you can find the lack of truth in a compliment. Even if there was a moment you weren’t loyal, you’ve also stuck it out for 20some years. You also showed up for those kids so that they’re empathetic. You also haven’t run out the door screaming, which you wanted to do at least a dozen times a year in the early days. Probably. So, let’s take a moment to see what he sees in you. Just let it tickle you. Yeah. And so you’re starting to feel the expansiveness like I just saw. I felt That’s the That’s the scary thing. The scary thing is that expansiveness that you’re feeling, that’s only like 2% of what’s coming your way. It’s not bad. Oh, it’s amazing, but it’s overwhelming. Yeah, very much. Yeah. And that when your the loved ones, your mom or dad who taught you how to be this more rigid thing, you chose to do that to some degree because you were really sensitive. And when you open this up, all that sensitivity starts coming back. That’s your birthright that was taken from you and now you get it back. No. Yeah. So, see what it’s like just to feel it again. That thing that he sees in you that was there before your parents did whatever they did or whoever did it. Might have been buried but still feels it all. I mean, he’s really the only one that’s truly seeing me, you know. We’re changing that. You’re seeing yourself. How about you seeing yourself? That’s what matters. So, you said something to your husband. You apologized. What’s the apology you have for yourself? I’m sorry I held you back for so long to just feeling the emotions that you wanted to feel for a very long time. When you look back on the film, if when you look back on this, you’ll get to see this moment where you’re literally like a little kid excited by the you hold it back a little bit, but it’s there. It is. It is scary, but it’s good. Yeah, that’s right. Thanks, Joe. Pleasure.