Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains that the trauma field was built around events — a PTSD diagnosis tied to specific terrible incidents. But research increasingly shows that the security of your attachment — how you were seen, known, and cared for by your parents — is the biggest predictor of outcomes. Traumatic events are secondary.
“The security of the attachment is the biggest issue… traumatic events are secondary.”
The field’s event-focused lens was partly political: the diagnosis emerged from Vietnam veterans, and funding followed the war machine. But even those veterans had pre-existing histories of childhood abuse and neglect that better predicted their eventual breakdown. The real question isn’t “what terrible thing happened to you?” but “were you seen? Were you known? Did you have a voice? When you cried, did someone comfort you or tell you to shut up?”
These two dimensions — attachment quality and traumatic events — are related but distinct. Poor attachment makes you more vulnerable to being hurt by others, but the attachment wound is primary.
Related Concepts
- Attunement patterns become adult cycles
- We attract what we learned as love
- Connection is the core of parenting
- Trauma addiction is choosing what’s familiar, not what’s safe