Fierce independence can look like strength—and it often produces real competence. But when independence is born from abandonment, it’s armor, not freedom. “I’ll never need anyone” is a defense against “I needed someone and they weren’t there.”
“I learned that while the things that served me well in learning how to be independent also didn’t serve me well in other areas—which was learning how to depend on other people.”
Stacy’s independence made her an excellent CEO who could get things done, hire well, and muscle through challenges. But it also kept her from being truly seen, from depending on others, and from receiving the love and support that was available to her.
The armor that protects you from abandonment also prevents connection. And without connection, you end up in the very isolation you were trying to prevent.
Related Concepts
- We push away support we don’t trust
- We attract what we learned as love
- Codependence comes from not owning wants