Self-reliance as a pattern originates when a child was abandoned or let down horribly — caregivers who were supposed to attune didn’t, and the only way to survive was to take care of yourself. The core feeling being avoided is a mix of disappointment and helplessness: “I’m not going to feel that. I will be determined as hell. I will push and pull and scream and scratch to get it so that I don’t ever have to feel that level of helplessness again.”
This creates extraordinary resourcefulness, willfulness, drive, grit, and resilience. Every successful CEO Joe works with has a heavy self-reliance streak. But it also means the person cannot feel the helplessness, heartbreak, or grief that would allow them to break the cycle. They skip from setback to “what’s next” without the mourning process in between — which looks emotionally intelligent but actually prevents healing.
The prototype is a baby crying in a crib: the moment the baby stops crying and gives up on being attended to is the moment the self-reliance pattern begins. Joe traces his own pattern to being kicked out of the house in eighth or ninth grade by an emotionally abusive, alcoholic father. The will that comes online to never feel helpless again is both the pattern’s gift and its prison.
Related Concepts
- Helplessness is the emotion being avoided
- Independence as armor against abandonment
- Helplessness dissolves false self-reliance
- Self-reliance can be a form of intimacy avoidance
- Self-reliance blocks the ability to receive support
- Vulnerability invites the support self-reliance blocks