Codependence often originates from a childhood inversion: being taught that your job was to satisfy your caregiver’s wants, rather than the caregiver satisfying yours.
“When it’s the child’s job to take care of the wants of the caregiver, that’s when everything gets all turned around and a lot of disturbance happens psychologically.”
The Pattern
If you were taught that your job was to take care of your parents’ needs, two things happen:
- You become bad at feeling your own wants
- You believe the road to happiness is taking care of others
This creates codependence: taking responsibility for other people’s happiness instead of owning and pursuing your own wants.
Codependence Creates Resentment
“Codependence means resentment is created. That’s the biggest thing that happens when people don’t own their wants.”
When you try to make others happy to get your needs met (instead of asking directly), resentment inevitably builds.
Asking Sideways
People who can’t own their wants ask for them sideways:
- Trying to please you to get what they want
- Assuming you know what they want
- Asking in a mean way after waiting too long
- Asking too meekly or too aggressively
“If I see a marriage that’s falling apart, one of the things I guarantee is that nobody has set forth recently what they want in the marriage.”