Resentment breeds when you want something but tell yourself it’s not okay to want it. The wanting doesn’t go away—it just festers into resentment toward whoever has the thing you won’t let yourself want. The fix isn’t getting everything you want; it’s learning to ask, because the asking itself is what tells you it’s okay to want it.
“It’s when you’re not okay to want something that you actually want—that’s where the resentment can breed.”
Joe’s daughter illustrates this perfectly. She was helping a friend whose father had a heart attack, started feeling burned out and resentful, and felt horrible about it because what she wanted was a break from caretaking. Joe simply asked: “What do you want?” She wanted a break. She called her friend, asked for one, and her friend was glad to give it. Two-three days later she was back, recharged and generous again.
The resentment wasn’t about the friend or the situation—it was about Joe’s daughter not giving herself permission to want what she wanted. The moment she owned the want and asked, the resentment dissolved instantly.
Related Concepts
- Owning wants means being okay with having them
- Wanting matters more than what you want
- Codependence comes from not owning wants
- Self-reliance can be a form of intimacy avoidance
- Resentment is repressed anger at an undrawn boundary