Resentment is a good indicator that you’re trying to save others — the Savior in the fear triangle holds resentment and obligation. But treating every instance of resentment as a boundary that needs to be drawn “uses the bazooka pretty early.”
Often resentment simply points to unexpressed wants — the vision of the world you want to live in that you haven’t expressed because you don’t think you can have it. Instead of “if you don’t do the dishes, I’m not doing the dishes,” try “I would love for us to enjoy doing the dishes together.”
Joe shares a hilarious example: housemates who couldn’t agree on dishes bought cheap Goodwill plates, threw them in bleach-water Rubbermaid bins outside, and sprayed them clean once a month in the driveway. “There are that many solutions to the dish problem that is haunting half of the marriages in the United States… and instead we sit there and try to control each other.”
The principle: before reaching for a boundary, first express what you want. There’s usually a much larger solution space available than the binary of “boundary or resentment.”
Related Concepts
- Resentment signals a boundary needed
- Asking for what you want dissolves resentment
- Owning wants means being okay with having them
- Resentment is repressed anger at an undrawn boundary