We habitually make triggers about the other person — their behavior, their failure, what they did wrong. But the path through a trigger is to own it as your own experience. The discomfort is yours. The emotional charge is yours. The story underneath is yours.
This shift from “you did this to me” to “this is my experience” transforms how you communicate. Instead of “What the fuck, get out of the car,” it becomes “I’d love for you to get out of the car and give me a hug.” I-statements aren’t just a communication technique — they reflect genuine ownership of your inner world.
Joe points out a useful heuristic: if saying what you need to say feels natural but being with your partner’s emotions is hard, practice being with emotions. If being present is easy but speaking up is hard, practice saying the thing. The path of most resistance is usually the path of most growth. But ideally, do both.
“Part of the path to owning that trigger and to being with it is to own it and to recognize that it’s our own experience that’s uncomfortable for us in that moment.”
Related Concepts
- Relationship triggers are yours
- Asking for what you want dissolves resentment
- Wonder eliminates defensiveness
- Speaking from discomfort rather than past it
- Every trigger in your partner is a projection of your own pattern
- Don’t do emotions at people
- Walking on eggshells guarantees resentment