Joe’s breakthrough in his marriage: every time he was upset, that was about him, not her.
“Anytime I was upset, that was me. That was mine. It doesn’t mean that there was something she was doing that was unacceptable or that I needed to ask to have change or draw a boundary. All that was true. But if I was triggered by it, that was me.”
The Feather Boa Test
His wife used to wear “crazy outfits”—feather boas, eclectic artist fashion. He was bothered by it. But he realized: someone else would think it was the greatest thing in the world.
“Me being bothered by it isn’t about her. Me trying to change her isn’t about her. It’s about me.”
The Implications
This doesn’t mean:
- You can’t set boundaries
- Their behavior is acceptable
- You shouldn’t ask for change
It does mean:
- If you’re triggered, that’s information about you
- The emotional charge is yours to work with
- Trying to change them won’t solve your trigger
The Freedom
“The relationship was a way for us to learn our own freedom… I could use everything I was triggered by in the relationship to learn about myself.”
Every trigger becomes a gift—a pointer to where work is needed.
Related Concepts
- Triggers reveal what we judge in ourselves
- Partners are perfectly matched to trigger your wounds
- We get triggered when something rhymes with our negative self-talk
- Every trigger in your partner is a projection of your own pattern
- Owning the trigger as yours dissolves the fight
- Walking on eggshells guarantees resentment
- Wanting someone to change reflects a part of yourself you can’t love