When you identify passive aggression in someone, the temptation is to fix it — tell them to “make it active,” demand they be direct, or convince them to change. Joe’s guidance is blunt: “Don’t do that.” Trying to change someone else’s passive aggression is itself an aggressive act — you’re trying to manipulate them into being different so you can be happy. You’ve entered the fear triangle alongside them.
Instead, the approach is to own your own experience without trying to change theirs. Practical tools: say “ouch” when something hurts (from a place of empowerment, not victimhood), draw boundaries (“when I feel criticized, I’m going to walk away”), name what you’re experiencing (“that feels like a guilt trip”), or simply welcome their anger if you genuinely can.
The critical internal shift is moving from feeling stuck to recognizing choice. If you’re blaming someone for your situation, that blame is itself a form of passive aggression. Owning that you’re making a choice — even an uncomfortable one — breaks the dynamic.
“If you’re in there trying to change them to be different so that you can be happy, then you’re as much in the fear triangle as they are.”
Related Concepts
- Relationship triggers are yours
- Communication techniques get weaponized
- Passive aggression is aggression that isn’t being owned as aggression
- Wanting someone to change reflects a part of yourself you can’t love
- Expressing anger at someone without permission is a bid for control