Joe defines passive aggression as covert aggression — being upset but not feeling allowed to be angry, so finding ways to attack without admitting it’s an attack. The key distinction from active aggression isn’t awareness (some people know they’re doing it) but directness. Active aggression confronts directly; passive aggression manipulates indirectly while often maintaining a victim position.
Examples include guilt-tripping, talking behind someone’s back, chronic lateness for specific people, saying you’ll do something and not doing it, needling with small sarcasms, gaslighting, withdrawal of love, and even expressing sadness or fear as a way to control others. The passive aggressor often occupies the victim role — “I’m the one who’s hurt here” — and if you take away that victim role, the passive aggression often flips to direct aggression.
“Passive aggression is just simply covert aggression. It’s basically aggression that’s not being owned as aggression.”
“If you really want to see someone go from passive aggression to aggression, take away their victim role.”
Joe argues passive aggression is harder to fix than direct aggression in relationships and organizations because the problem can’t be acknowledged. Making the passive aggression active — bringing it into the open — is the first step toward resolution.
Related Concepts
- Fear of anger drives conflict avoidance
- Resentment is stored conflict
- Trying to change someone’s passive aggression enters the same dynamic
- Passive aggression develops when direct anger is forbidden