There’s a crucial distinction between feeling anger at someone (always welcome, never repress) and expressing anger at someone without their permission (manipulation). When someone gets angry at another person, they’re making a bid for control—trying to change the other person’s beliefs, actions, or emotional state. Whether conscious or unconscious, it’s an attempt to manage feeling out of control.
The anger itself is always about us: feeling overwhelmed, needing a boundary, learning not to be passive aggressive. It’s for us to learn from, not to weaponize against others. That said, anger at someone with permission can be deeply healing—when a partner, coach, or friend explicitly invites it and holds it with love, it creates profound connection and safety.
Joe also makes an important exception: people who have been self-abusive—beating themselves up, deep critical voice, depression—need to get the anger out. If the only way they can access it is directed at someone, they should do it either with permission or somewhere the person can’t hear. This is a developmental stage, not a permanent approach.
“Without permission then it’s just manipulation… basically what’s happening there is somebody feels out of control. If they get angry at somebody else, it’s their bid for control.”
Related Concepts
- Express anger without directing it
- Don’t do emotions at people
- Anger is love with a boundary
- Passive aggression is unowned aggression
- Resentment is repressed anger at an undrawn boundary
- Emotional abuse is using emotions to control someone
- Welcoming emotions is fundamentally different from accepting them