Joe draws a critical distinction: feeling your emotions fully is essential, but directing them at someone to get them to change is emotional abuse. This applies not just to anger — people get sad at others to create guilt, afraid at others to create obligation.
The reason emotions leak and get directed at others is simple: they haven’t been felt privately first. “The reason somebody gets angry at somebody else is because they haven’t gotten angry by themselves.” There’s always time before the explosion to release the pressure.
“To put your emotion at somebody to try to get them to change with your emotions subconsciously or consciously — it’s emotional abuse.”
The practice: feel your emotions alone or with a trusted friend first, so they don’t need to leak. Then engage the person from clarity rather than from emotional pressure. If someone is doing their emotions at you, draw a boundary: “I’m happy to listen to your emotions if I give you permission, but otherwise I don’t want the emotion at me.”
Related Concepts
- Holding space requires staying in yourself
- Fights can heal or retraumatize
- Emotional abuse is using emotions to control someone
- Expressing anger at someone without permission is a bid for control
- Fixing your partner’s emotions is manipulation, not love
- You can express anger without directing it at anyone
- Resentment is repressed anger at an undrawn boundary