When you get upset at someone else, it points to a part of yourself you can’t accept and love. This is projection: placing an unaccepted inner quality onto another person. The other person may genuinely be doing the thing that upsets you — the trigger can be factually accurate — but the reason it controls you, closes your heart, and takes away your freedom is because you can’t accept that same quality in yourself.
The common trap is not going deep enough. If you’re triggered by someone’s dishonesty and think “but I’m honest,” ask: have you been fully transparent? Have you shared the important things? Sometimes you need to go one level deeper to find the unaccepted part.
“We are not really capable of loving in somebody else what we can’t love in ourselves.”
This doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior or not taking action. You can still draw boundaries, say no, or leave. But the trigger — the loss of your open heart, the feeling of being controlled by someone else’s actions — that’s about your own freedom. It’s about the part of yourself that you have to shut down in order to reject it in the other person.
Joe suggests a three-step process: see the projection (often provides immediate relief), learn to love that aspect by thinking of someone you love who has it, and forgive yourself. The experiment is to write down five triggers, identify the projection in each, and offer an upright apology (without shame) to the person.
Related Concepts
- Own the trigger as yours
- Four types of projection
- Drawing boundaries dissolves triggers
- Seeing your own projection creates immediate relief
- Walking on eggshells guarantees resentment
- Don’t do emotions at people
- Triggers and admiration both reveal disowned parts of yourself
- Boundaries must open your heart, not close it