Summary
Joe explains the relationship between triggers, projection, and self-acceptance. He defines a trigger as getting upset at someone else (not just an emotional response, but one directed at another person), and projection as placing an unaccepted part of yourself onto that other person. The key insight is that we can’t love in others what we can’t love in ourselves — so every frustration with someone else points to an unaccepted part of ourselves.
He addresses the common objection that “but they really did the bad thing” — the trigger might be factually accurate, but the issue is that it controls you and closes your heart. Sometimes seeing the projection requires going one level deeper: you might not have lied, but have you been fully transparent? The practice involves seeing the projection (which often provides immediate relief), learning to love that aspect of yourself by finding someone else you love who has that same quality, and forgiving yourself. The experiment: write down five triggers, identify the projection in each, and make an upright apology (without shame) to the person you were triggered by.
Key Concepts
- Every trigger reveals an unaccepted part of yourself
- Seeing your own projection creates immediate relief
Key Quotes
“We are not really capable of loving in somebody else what we can’t love in ourselves.”
“Just because you’re triggered doesn’t mean that you’re not going to take an action… but we’re talking about your freedom.”
“As soon as you see the projection, there’s almost immediate relief.”
“Think of somebody else who has that aspect that you love, and go — wait, how can I love them and that aspect of them and not love myself?”
Transcript
in this video we’re going to discover how every time we’re frustrated with someone else it allows us to learn something about ourselves and accept something about ourselves which leaves us more and more empowered and less and less like a victim to do this we’re going to go into three things the first one is what is being triggered and what is projecting the second is how every time we’re triggered it is an unaccepted part of ourselves that we are putting on to somebody else and the third one is how to free ourselves from these projections and triggers so that we can get empowered and finally I’ll give you an experiment that you can go home with and test it out for yourself for this purpose I’m defining a trigger as a place where I get upset at somebody else that’s what I’m calling a trigger so there’s a trigger that is defined as I just have gotten upset and I’m not putting it on anybody I’m not talking about that that would be like oh I got triggered because I saw a car accident I’m not speaking to that I’m speaking about I got triggered because I saw a car accident and I hate that person for driving recklessly right that that is what I’m talking about or that person just called me an and I’m upset at them that’s what I’m talking about in a trigger projection means there’s a part of myself that I can’t accept and I am putting it on the other person it might be true like I might think that person’s an and they are an or I might think that person is ignorant and they are ignorant but the the reason that I’m doing it is because I can’t see it in myself I won’t allow myself to accept and love that part of myself my own ignorance or the my own propensity to not listen to people or my own propensity to be an and because I can’t love that I’m projecting it onto somebody else and so the reason that this works the reason that we go from trigger to a projection is because we are not really capable of loving in somebody else what we can’t love in ourselves so if we are frustrated somebody it means that we’re not loving that aspect in them and it means that they’re we’re not loving that aspect in ourself and and you don’t have to take my word for this just like check it out like write down all the times that you were triggered and notice in the way that you’re triggered how that’s also true for you notice how you’re triggered because you were emotionally abandoned and in that moment of emotional abandonment you left the problem that people get into when they can’t see their trigger is that they just don’t quite go deep enough so for instance you’re triggered by somebody who has lied and you’re like well I’ve been honest I’ve actually not told a lie and well have you been transparent have you actually shared the important things or have you not shared the important things and how is that not a lie so sometimes you just have to go down one level to see the part of yourself now to be clear they might have lied and it might not be okay and I’m not saying that you should excuse it but I’m talking about your internal trigger I’m talking about the fact that you are controlled by their actions to the point of getting frustrated I’m talking about the fact that you’re no longer able to have an open heart with them even if you’re drawing a boundary even if you’re saying no even if you’re expecting to leave you have to shut yourself down and leave yourself because there’s a part of yourself that you can’t accept so just because you’re triggered doesn’t mean that you’re not going to take an action doesn’t mean it’s not true that they have done that thing but we’re talking about your freedom and that’s all that matters for this conversation is like how do you create your own freedom in the moment so that brings us to the third thing which is how to free yourself of these projections so that you can feel deeply empowered this is actually somehow the easiest part most of the time which is as soon as you see the projection there’s almost immediate relief as soon as you see that you’re frustrated somebody else because you’re not accepting and loving a part of yourself that frustration goes away it just automatically happens most of the time then the question is how do you learn to accept and love that aspect of yourself again sometimes the awareness is just enough to do it and you don’t have to do anything else if that awareness doesn’t immediately create Acceptance in your system then there’s two more steps you can take the first one is to learn to love that aspect of yourself and the second is to forgive yourself and here’s a trick to learning how to love that aspect of yourself you just think of somebody else who has that aspect that you love and you go oh wait how can I love them and that aspect of them and not love myself and actually give yourself that feeling of Love Back to yourself whatever it is that you’re judging yourself for say it’s dishonesty we’ve all been dishonest let’s say that one of the things you judge yourself for is being a perfectionist we all have some aspect that’s a perfectionist in us let’s say something that you’re judging yourself for is um being a know it all there’s some part of us that all thinks we know something that we don’t know that’s just the reality of things and so to be able to see it in others that you love and love yourself in that same way is a great little hack to learn how to love that in yourself and then the last is just to forgive yourself it’s literally to give yourself forgiveness and take a moment close your eyes feel that part of yourself and just say oh I forgive I forgive myself for needing to be perfect or I forgive myself for being dishonest and those two things can really lessen your own projection and your own trigger of yourself so here’s an experiment you can do that will totally change the way you project and get triggered and it’s a little bit scary but that’s what makes it work so well so the first thing that you have to do is learn how to do an upright apology an upright apology we have a podcast on it and you can find out how to do it at view.life/experiments um so the first thing that you’re going to do is write down five ways that you got triggered by somebody and then the next thing you’re going to see do is see how the projection worked in each of them what is it that you got triggered by that you also have and that you can’t fully accept and love in yourself and then the third thing you’re going to do is apologize to the person who you’re triggered by and you’re going to do it in an upright way which means you’re not going to do it with shame if you do it with shame it’ll just make it worse and you’re just going to apologize to those people and then all of a sudden you’ll see all of those times you’re triggered it’s just going to become less and less and less and you’ll be more and more at peace and loving and accepting of yourself and others if you want more content like this like And subscribe and if you want us 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