The first rule of drawing a boundary is that no matter what the other person’s response, the boundary must make you feel more love for them — not less. This reframes boundaries from defensive walls into acts of love and freedom. If drawing a boundary closes your heart, you’re doing it wrong.
Joe describes how boundaries used to feel scary to him — like intruding on someone, controlling them. The shift came when he realized that a boundary drawn with an open heart sounds fundamentally different from one drawn defensively. “If you get angry at me I’m going to leave” invites a fight. “I don’t want to be with your anger, so I’m happy to leave when you get angry and happy to come back when you’re ready to talk without yelling” — that’s drawn from openness.
“As soon as you draw the boundary, no matter what the response is, it needs to make you feel more love for the other person.”
The fear of the other person’s response is inevitable, especially for new boundaries — because if you felt okay drawing it, you wouldn’t need to draw it. The open heart is what transforms the interaction from combat to care.
Related Concepts
- Boundaries, not VIEW, for narcissists
- Drawing boundaries dissolves triggers
- Resentment signals a boundary needed
- Boundaries are primarily for you, not the other person
- Effective boundaries increase your capacity to love
- Boundary firmness eliminates fear of attack
- Drawing boundaries and opening your heart are the same thing
- The difference between a boundary and an ultimatum is fear