The deeper purpose of drawing boundaries isn’t to change the other person’s behavior — it’s to teach yourself what’s okay and what isn’t. Joe illustrates this with a workplace example: in any office, there’s someone the boss never yells at. It’s not because they fought back. It’s because something in them is clear that being yelled at isn’t acceptable. That clarity means there’s nothing in them to fight or defend, which makes it less likely the behavior comes at them in the first place.
“The boundary is mostly about you learning for yourself that something’s not okay. And you’re drawing it externally is learning that in a real concrete way.”
Drawing boundaries externally is like learning to fix an engine — you have to get your hands dirty. The external practice is how you internalize the knowing. Over time, the boundary becomes part of who you are, and the situations that required it become less frequent.
The ultimate boundary statement is: “I am okay if you need to pull your love away from me, because I’m going to take care of myself.” That opens your life to people ready to treat you the way you want to be treated.
Related Concepts
- Boundaries must open your heart, not close it
- Boundaries declare your action, not theirs
- Knowing yourself is the only safety
- Boundary firmness eliminates fear of attack
- Boundaries say what you will do, not what they must do
- What’s scariest about boundaries is the freedom on the other side
- Boundaries are the deepest non-management