The second rule of boundaries: never tell the other person what they need to do. Instead, tell them what you will do under certain circumstances. “When you do X, I’m going to do Y” — and Y is always about taking care of yourself, never about punishing or controlling them.
“When you’re guilt tripping me, I’m going to leave. I’ll be back in 20 minutes.”
This formulation keeps you out of a control game. As soon as you tell someone what they should or shouldn’t do, you’re in a power struggle. But when you declare your own action — rooted in your agency and freedom — there’s nothing to fight about. You’re not trying to change them. You’re expressing that you are free and will exercise that freedom.
The formula: “I am going to go and take care of myself.” Not “I am going to do something that hurts you” or “I am going to do something that controls you.” The action must be self-caring, not retaliatory.
Related Concepts
- Boundaries must open your heart, not close it
- Owning your needs is not selfish
- Feeling helplessness creates agency
- Boundaries say what you will do, not what they must do
- Boundaries are the deepest non-management
- Saying no restores agency and reconnects you to your want