When you transform and bring new boundaries into existing relationships, expect resistance. Joe describes the “three to five rule”: the people around you will treat you like your old self three to five times, each time escalating their behavior. A yelling husband, for example, will up the ante when his partner starts leaving the room during outbursts — trying other tricks to maintain the old agreement — before the behavior falls apart.
Joe sees this as a gift: “It really forces us to learn to keep that boundary under stressful circumstances.” The pressure from society, groups, and marriages to remain who you were is natural — people have implicit agreements (“I’ll save you, you be a victim”) and disrupting them creates friction.
About 70-80% of relationships survive transformation; 20-30% fall away when people don’t want the new agreement. Joe recommends transparency: “I’ve decided I want to live in a world where we show up in love instead of shame — do you want to join me?” The fear of losing people often drives reversion, but “better people show up — people who want to live in those agreements. They always show up.”
Related Concepts
- Boundaries declare your action, not theirs
- Boundary firmness eliminates fear of attack
- Belief precedes relationship change
- Relationship agreements create a safe playing field for conflict