The brain has a mechanism (the habenula) designed to prevent repeated failure—it’s what makes a bear stop fighting after losing once, or makes us give up a diet after one slip. In relationships, this mechanism can make us believe the relationship is unfixable after a few failed attempts.
“The most critical thing if you’re going to start working on the relationship is to actually have belief and faith that there’s change that’s possible. If you don’t, then you’ll be undermining yourself the whole time.”
A billionaire who could build a ten-billion-dollar company genuinely believed he couldn’t fix his marriage. The belief preceded the reality. Like a volleyball team whose shoulders slump when they fall behind, the mindset creates the outcome.