Summary
Joe explains that the most critical mindset shift for transforming a struggling relationship is believing change is possible. He shares the story of a multi-billion-dollar company builder who couldn’t believe he could fix his marriage—the same person who had achieved extraordinary things in business.
He introduces the brain’s “habenula”—the mechanism that prevents us from failing repeatedly—and explains how it causes us to give up after one failed attempt. The solution is to reframe relationship work as a series of 10-20 experiments rather than a pass/fail test. Both partners must agree to iterate together, and if one partner refuses to work on the relationship, that itself is the conversation that needs to happen.
Key Concepts
- You must believe change is possible before a relationship can improve
- Relationships need experiments, not fixes
- Both partners must want a better relationship for it to improve
Key Quotes
“The most critical thing if you’re going to start working on the relationship is to actually have belief and faith that there’s change that’s possible. If you don’t, then you’ll be undermining yourself the whole time.”
“Instead of having it like I’m going to try this and if it doesn’t work then it’s over, you need to think about it as like oh here are the 10, 20 experiments that I’m going to do.”
“You can’t change another human being that way—they have to want it.”
“Are you both willing to work and change yourselves and in the relationship so that it gets better and better and better? Because if you don’t have that agreement upfront, the chances of success are not great.”
Transcript
so there’s this guy that I was coaching he was you know like a incredibly successful human being he built like a like a multiple billion dollar company and when it came to his marriage he just didn’t believe that he could you know change the marriage and I said to him like so what is it that makes you think that you could like oh I I can build a 10 billion dollar company but you can’t like fix a relationship like how how does that mindset get in there and he I mean clearly didn’t have an answer for it but it allowed him to see like oh wait this is ridiculous the fact that I I I don’t think that I can shift or change this relationship and it’s the most critical thing if you’re going to start working on the relationship is to actually have belief and faith that there’s change that’s possible if you don’t then you’ll be undermining yourself the whole time just just yesterday I was hanging out um watching my daughter’s volleyball game and I watch like they were ahead and then they were behind and I watched the entire team their shoulders slumped they’re like oh we’re not going to be able to do this and they just got worse and worse and worse and worse they didn’t remember that they were at one point like going in the right direction and all all they and the father next to me is like they’re never going to win like that and you know it like you if you’ve watched Sports you’ve seen this and you see where the mindset changes it doesn’t like you just know that there’s loss on the horizon and so it’s the same thing in a relationship and so the thing thing about a relationship that’s important or about trying to do anything is the way that the brain works is that we have something gosh I think it’s like a the habenula and it’s basically an all vertebrae and it and it prevents us from failing over and over and over again so let’s say you’re a bear and you fought for rights to like mate with another bear and you lost you don’t want to like go and get your butt kicked again and again and again or if you keep on going to this one part of this forest and you eat this mushroom you get sick you won’t don’t want to do it again and again it’s that part of your brain and it’s the thing that makes us like when we’re trying to diet and then we like have that piece of chocolate cake we’re like ah it I failed and then like you just ah just eat chocolate cake every day that’s the part of the brain and so you need to know that going into the relationship and instead of having it like I’m going to try this and if it doesn’t work then it’s over you need to think about it as like oh here are the 10 20 experiments that I’m going to do working with the relationship and it’s much better if it’s together right like if both people are saying hey let’s work on this relationship and that’s what we want to do then great then you both have it you both have the iterations so that you’re never failing you’re just trying the next thing trying the next thing that’s going to work for you if you’re in a situation where you’re like oh my boyfriend or a girlfriend doesn’t want to work on the relationship with me like that’s the conversation you have to have like if they don’t want to work on making a better relationship and you want a better relationship it might not be a match like that conversation has got to be had because working on a relationship on your own is actually an incredibly effective important thing to do as far as your own personal growth but it’s not going to make the relationship better unless both people want a better relationship meaning that you can work on how you want to be with them how you want to listen how you want to fight all the things that you can do and then the next relationship you’re going to be in you’re going to be better at that next relationship but what’s not going to happen is like if one person’s like resistant to having a better relationship you can’t change another human being that way like they have to want it you can you know try for a while say this is how I want to show up and they might be inspired and join you but eventually like you have to let them be them and you be you and if there’s not that hey let’s work on this relationship together then you’ve got to make a choice do I want to stay in a relationship that is like this because they don’t want to make it any better they don’t want to iterate they don’t want to try so as a matter of fact when I say to people they’re like oh should I get married to a person one of the things that I’ll ask is like are you both willing to work and change you know yourselves and in the relationship so that it gets better and better and better because if you don’t have that agreement upfront you know the chances of success are not great so the most important thing is that you think you can do it and that the two of you are in agreement about how to move forward and the experiments and setting up those experiments in advance so that you can’t fail so it’s just we’ve tried that that didn’t work for us because we’re these kinds of two people so we’re going to try this other thing and then you go through this list of experiments and I guarantee you by the time the list of experiments is done you will absolutely be in a different place than when it started they don’t have to work even but you will have learned about yourself you will have learned about each other you will learn things where you can create new experiments that will work and it’s just like one over the other and if you’re really interested in experiments we have a whole bunch of stuff on experiments that you can like figure out how to do great experiments and there’s a podcast and stuff you can listen to.