Summary
Joe reframes boundaries as acts of love rather than acts of control. He describes how he used to see boundaries as scary — as intruding on or controlling others. The shift came when he realized boundaries have two simple rules: drawing the boundary must make you feel more love for the other person, and you tell them what you will do (not what they must do).
The deeper insight is that boundaries are primarily for you, not the other person. Joe points out that in any workplace, some people never get yelled at by the boss — not because they fought back, but because something in them already knows that behavior isn’t acceptable. When you truly learn that something isn’t okay for you, the behavior is less likely to come at you in the first place. Boundaries are the hands-on practice of learning what works for you.
Key Concepts
- Boundaries must open your heart, not close it
- Boundaries declare your action, not theirs
- Boundaries are primarily for you, not the other person
Key Quotes
“Boundaries are an act of love and they are an act of taking care of yourself and they’re not telling other people what to do.”
“As soon as you draw the boundary, no matter what the response is, it needs to make you feel more love for the other person.”
“The boundary drawing isn’t really for the other person, it’s for you.”
“As soon as you know like oh I’m not going to put up with that kind of behavior, then there’s nothing in you that has to fight or defend and it’s less likely for that behavior to come at you.”
“I am okay if you need to pull your love away from me because I’m going to take care of myself.”
Transcript
Boundaries for me was always something that was scary. It was something that like I was intruding on somebody, telling somebody else what to do and I was like controlling somebody. That’s what boundaries were subconsciously in my head. And I realized at that moment no, no. Boundaries are an act of love and they are an act of taking care of yourself and they’re not telling other people what to do. And fighting requires great boundaries. You have to have great boundaries to have good productive fights. And so the rules that I have with boundary are easy. There’s two of them. One of them is as soon as you draw the boundary, no matter what the response is, it needs to make you feel more love for the other person. So boundaries aren’t like a defensive no. It’s going to open my heart. It’s going to allow me to feel more free. It’s going to actually acknowledge my freedom and I can love you better. And the second thing is it’s going to not tell the other person what they need to do. It’s going to be telling them what you’re going to do under certain circumstances. It’s when you do X, I’m going to do Y. And the Y isn’t going to be I am going to do something that hurts you or I’m going to do something that controls you. It is I am going to go and take care of myself. So when you’re guilt tripping me, I’m going to leave. I’ll be back in 20 minutes. Or if you’re guilt tripping me, I’m going to leave and as soon as you call me and tell me that we can have a conversation without guilt, I’m happy to come back. And so if you follow those two rules, it makes your heart open no matter what their response is going to be. And that’s an important part — no matter what their response is going to be. Because what happens when you draw a boundary is you go I’m going to draw this boundary and you get scared of the response. Because if you have to draw a boundary as a new thing, if it’s a new boundary that you’re drawing, it’s automatically true that you do not feel okay drawing the boundary. You think that maybe you shouldn’t draw this boundary. Like maybe you should just put up with it. Maybe you should put up with the gaslighting. Maybe you should put up with the guilt. I can’t say no to my mom guilt tripping me. I can’t say no to my mom criticizing. I can’t say no to somebody yelling at me. And so if you’re going to draw the boundary, you’re going to get really defensive. You’re going to be ready for the fight which invites the fight. Like if I draw a boundary with you and I’m like “if you get angry at me I’m going to leave” — that is going to invite a fight. Where it’s like “I don’t want to be with your anger so I’m happy to leave when you get angry and I’m happy to come back as soon as you’re ready to have the conversation without yelling at me.” So it’s going to be a whole different interaction if you can draw it with that open heart. So it’s really critical that whatever boundary you draw, it opens your heart and that you’re not telling the other person what to do. Because then you’re in a control game with them. And instead you’re saying this is what I’m going to do because I have agency. I have my own empowerment and I’m free. I can do the thing that I want to do. And so that’s the critical piece of the boundary. As far as that other piece that I think is really important is that the boundary drawing isn’t really for the other person. It’s for you. So for instance you’re at a job and you have to say to your boss like no, you don’t yell at me. But there’s somebody else that the boss never yells at. It’s like what’s going on there? Why is it that the thing that the boss does to you they’re not doing to everybody? It’s because in that person’s mind it’s very clear that like no, I’m not going to get yelled at by the boss. Maybe the boss yelled at them one point and said hey, don’t do that. Or maybe the boss yelled at them at one point and they were like wow, looks like you’re feeling way out of control on this one. And the boss was like oh. But the boss is yelling at you because there’s something in you that thinks that it’s okay. Because as soon as you know like oh I’m not going to put up with that kind of behavior, then there’s nothing in you that has to fight or defend and it’s less likely for that behavior to come at you. So the boundary is mostly about you learning for yourself that something’s not okay. And you’re drawing it externally is learning that in a real concrete way. Like learning how to fix an engine — you need to get your hands dirty. Learning how to draw boundaries and what’s actually the right boundary for you, you’re going to have to get your hands dirty. And so it’s really important to see boundaries not really even about them. It’s really all about you learning what works for you and being okay saying like hey, I am okay if you need to pull your love away from me because I’m going to take care of myself. Then that’s what’s going to need to be the case. And that opens up your life to people who are ready to treat you in the way that you actually want to be treated.