A good boundary never tells someone else what to do — it tells them what you’re going to do. Joe’s canonical example: “If you’re going to yell at me, I’m going to ask you to stop. If you continue, I’m going to leave. Thirty minutes later I’ll give you a call, and if you’re ready to talk without yelling, I’m happy to re-engage.”
“It doesn’t tell them what to do — it tells them what you’re going to do.”
This structure is crucial because it keeps you out of the power dynamic. You’re not controlling the other person; you’re stating your own choice. It also preserves connection — notice the “I’ll call you in 30 minutes” piece. A good boundary doesn’t abandon the person; it leaves a door open for reconnection. The absence of abandonment is what distinguishes a boundary from an ultimatum in most cases.
The principle applies identically in work contexts. When boundaries are clear upfront — “these are the expectations, and this is what I’ll do if they’re not met” — firing rarely happens because people self-select out. Joe notes that the last several people his company let go literally said “it’s time for me to go” before he could finish the conversation.
Related Concepts
- Effective boundaries increase your capacity to love
- Stop fixing others to help them change
- Owning your needs is not selfish
- The difference between a boundary and an ultimatum is fear
- Boundaries declare your action, not theirs
- Boundaries are primarily for you, not the other person
- Boundary firmness eliminates fear of attack