Eva describes the most counterintuitive result of her inner work: her family changed — not because she tried to change them, but precisely because she stopped trying. She could see patterns in others, but “having the strength to bring it back to me instead of trying to fix others” was the breakthrough. Joe names the sequence explicitly: “You did the work on yourself, then you stopped trying to fix other people, and then they changed.”
This echoes the broader principle that the impulse to fix others is often a way of avoiding our own discomfort. When we stop projecting our solutions onto others, two things happen simultaneously: we do our own emotional work (which changes the relational dynamic), and the other person is freed from the resistance that being “fixed” naturally produces.
“If people are going to change, it’s after you’ve stopped trying to change them and you focus on yourself.”
Matthew learned a related version: after completing the course, his excited impulse to share the work was really a disguised attempt to change others — “hey, and you can change your life too with this.” The pattern of wanting to fix others persists even when dressed in generous clothing.
Related Concepts
- External patterns mirror internal ones
- Fixing mindset perpetuates stuckness
- Should creates either rebellion or submission
- Compulsive fixing avoids being present
- Asking ‘how do I stop’ keeps you in the doing loop
- Beating yourself up after an epiphany slows your transformation