Joe defines the optimal boundary as one that, when you think about saying it, immediately allows you to love the other person more deeply — regardless of their reaction. The boundary isn’t about controlling the other person; it’s about freeing yourself to love them by no longer accepting behavior that belittles you.
“A boundary when it’s used optimally increases your capacity to love somebody.”
He points out that every paragon of love — whether a great mother, Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, or Gandhi — was incredibly boundaried. Boundaries create trust, and trust is essential for love. Without boundaries, love gets conflated with caretaking, niceness, and making sure the other person isn’t mad. That dynamic inevitably creates resentment, obligation, and the death of intimacy.
The somatic test for a good boundary is expansion: you feel more love, more openness. If drawing the boundary makes you feel constricted and defended, it’s likely operating from fear rather than love. If you feel expansion, you’re on the right track.
Related Concepts
- Boundaries say what you will do, not what they must do
- Drawing boundaries dissolves triggers
- Caretaking kills desire
- Boundaries must open your heart, not close it
- The difference between a boundary and an ultimatum is fear