Drawing a boundary is terrifying in both directions. If the boundary is rejected, you face the consequence you feared. But if the boundary is accepted — if the person loves you in your boundary — then your entire model of the world has to change. You have to grieve the fact that you’ve been living under a cage that was never there.
“It’s scary if your boundary is sort of accepted and the person loves you in your boundary, because then that means that the way that you have modeled the world in the past has to now change.”
Joe shares his experience with his father’s drinking: starting with “I’m not going to be around you” and gradually evolving to more nuanced boundaries as he realized he didn’t have to accept the drinking. Each boundary let him love his father better, but the first one was the hardest — because he had to convince himself it was okay not to be around his own parent.
The fear isn’t just about consequences. It’s about testing your projections of the world. Most people (Joe estimates 80%) who show up as themselves at work after deciding to quit get promoted or get raises. The 20% who do get fired aren’t devastated — they’re relieved to know what kind of environment they want. Either way, the consequence is a direct path to a life where you’re accepted for who you are.
“We’re scared of the consequence, but whatever the consequence is, it is a direct path to the life where we are accepted and loved for who we are.”
Related Concepts
- Facing fear builds empowerment
- Growth means shedding identities
- Grief of self-abandonment
- Pre-grieving potential loss creates resilience and the courage to draw boundaries
- Boundary firmness eliminates fear of attack
- Boundaries must open your heart, not close it
- Being yourself either gets you promoted or freed
- Boundaries are primarily for you, not the other person