When someone feels disgust toward a parent, it often reflects the parent’s failure to model self-care. Joe identifies this pattern during a coaching session where a man says he’s disgusted by his mother and doesn’t think she’s worthy of respect. Joe points out: “One of the reasons you’re disgusted by your mom is because she taught you self-care was not something to feel good about. She doesn’t do it.”
The man took care of himself by separating from his family — and feels guilty for it. But the disgust he feels isn’t random cruelty; it’s a mirror of what was missing. A parent who never takes care of themselves teaches the child that self-care is shameful. When the child finally practices self-care (like drawing a boundary), they encounter this disgust — partly at the parent for never modeling it, partly at themselves for daring to do what was never demonstrated.
“I’m really grateful that you’re taking care of yourself. Doesn’t it always feel like that? No — that’s one of the reasons you’re disgusted by your mom. She taught you self-care was not something to feel good about.”
The disgust is actually pointing somewhere important: it’s an emotion that, when fully felt in the body (“that stomach churning”), opens into the deeper sadness and heartbreak underneath.
Related Concepts
- Guilt covers deeper emotions about family
- Parent-self relationship shapes child relationship
- Boundaries are for you not them
- Heartbreak over the relationship you never had is where love for a parent lives