Summary
A man shares that he separated from his mother and family about six months ago after 25 years of never feeling like he belonged — his mother always tried to change him, and he never set boundaries until recently. While the separation has reduced his stress and anxiety, he’s plagued by guilt, especially when he sees others reconcile with their families. He asks: what’s wrong with me that I don’t want to be a part of my family?
Joe guides him through layers of emotion beneath the guilt. First comes pity, then disgust — he doesn’t respect his mother and doesn’t think she’s worthy of respect. Joe normalizes this and points out that the disgust at his mom is connected to the fact that she never modeled self-care. Underneath the disgust, they find sadness and heartbreak — the grief of the relationship he never got to have. Joe reveals that this heartbreak is actually where his love for his mother lives. He wants her to be well, wants a good relationship, wants her to acknowledge his need for space. Joe assures him that by continuing to feel these emotions, he can reach a place where his mom crosses his mind and also crosses his heart — without needing her in his life. The session ends with a pointer about compassion, connecting heart-love to the gut where stored emotions live.
Key Concepts
- Guilt covers deeper emotions about family
- Disgust at a parent reflects absent self-care
- Heartbreak is where love for a parent lives
- Compassion connects heart to gut
Key Quotes
“You can’t be a human being and not love your mom on some level, want your mom’s love.”
“One of the reasons you’re disgusted by your mom is because she taught you self-care was not something to feel good about. She doesn’t do it.”
“In the heartbreak and that sadness — that’s the love. That’s the love you have.”
“Of course you want your mom to call up and say, ‘Oh sweetheart, I get why you had to separate from me, and I’m so sorry.‘”
“You can look at your mom one day and you can just feel nothing but love and compassion, and that doesn’t mean she’s in your life.”
Transcript
when I don’t feel guilty I do feel disgust and I don’t want to feel either of them i’ like to live in a world where I respect her but I have never felt that yeah how yeah I don’t think she’s worthy of respect yeah and don’t feel respect it’s just not something that yeah the trick is to just feel what’s there okay well first I’m sweating profusely so uh apart from that um I uh for Upward of let’s say 25 years I’ve uh I’ve basically never felt like I belonged in my family like my specifically with my mother she’s always just tried to change me tried to make me more like her and belong in my family um my boundaries have never been I’ve never set boundaries up until about three years ago and then about six months ago I basically told her that I can’t give her anymore I kind of separated myself from my mom and my family I personally it’s the best decision I think I made I feel I made um I have so much less stress anxiety I but yet now I have so much guilt whether I did the right thing and especially I see other people who have issues with their family and they forgive them they move on they come together again and like what’s wrong with me that I don’t want to do that or can’t do that and all this guilt and yes gota great great so what’s the question there gonna be a lot of questions in there what’s yours what’s wrong with me that I don’t want to be a part of my family oh cool that nothing okay we’re done yeah like I mean I know that intellectually but like I guess what’s the question guilt why what’s stopping me from fully feeling good about my decision and not and instead guilty yeah there you go yeah it’s yeah M you do me a favor and just put a hand on yeah yeah not to make her feel better just to let her know you’re there it’s cuz you love your mom man do I I I get I get that she’s a [expletive] you don’t like her and you don’t want to be around her I got all that I know it’s true and you can’t you can’t be a human being and not love your mom on some level want want want your mom’s love all this feels very foreign to me I have for as long as I can remember just been waiting for the day that she dies so I don’t have to deal with her and I just I don’t feel love towards her like yeah I don’t know what love towards her is I guess because it’s not what I know love to be right yeah so feel the guilt for a minute yeah great and if and assume for a second like you couldn’t feel the guilt what would be left to feel love no it it sounded like the thing to feel is that’s what I saw here yes but that’s because I thought was the answer love yeah the answer what I have to say and just let just see what you have to feel if you go underneath the guilt if you couldn’t feel the guilt what what’s left to pity great yeah feel the pity that kind of turns into disgust yeah right sounds like it’s yeah so feel the disgust yeah yeah I guess I when I don’t feel guilty I do feel disgust and I don’t want to feel either of them I’d like to live in a world where I respect her but I have never felt that yeah how yeah I don’t think she’s worthy of respect yeah and don’t feel respect it’s just not something that yeah the trick is to just feel what’s there I’m sorry that your mom is not able to earn your respect that sucks yeah and I’m really grateful that you’re taking care of yourself doesn’t it always feel like that no that’s one of the reasons you disgust your mom you’re disgusted by your mom is because she taught you self-care was not something to feel good about no she doesn’t do it right exactly do I move past this you just did you just moved past the guilt into disgust then how do I move at the disgust obviously everything should go like that the this the same way you you allow them to feel and mooving your body without like this mental model like fully allow yourself to have that stomach churning oh my god oh yeah and now what’s happening now kind of just stuck like in my like sternum area go right into go right into that emotional experience for a minute yeah there it is now I’m back to guilt is that guilt or is that sadness I guess it’s sadness and feeling bad which to me is guilt but I guess it could be different yeah that’s the there is heartbreak in the fact that this is the relationship with your mom yeah it does I guess and it’s a scary ass thing to feel it’s why you have all those layers on top of it because in the Heartbreak and that sadness it’s like that’s the love that’s the love you have of course you want your mom to be well of course you want a good relationship with her of course you want her to take care of herself and to respect the fact that you take care yourself of course you want your mom to call up and say oh sweetheart I get why you had to separate from me and I’m so sorry and how do we how do I show up in a way that you can feel supported of course you want that just never gonna happen it is most likely never going to happen I agree with you but what can happen is that you can look at your mom one day and you can just feel nothing but love and compassion and that doesn’t mean she’s in your life that doesn’t mean you talk to each other but when she crosses your mind she crosses your heart you’re not defended you’re not protecting I guess I hope that happens one day you keep feel if you keep feeling this I guarantee it it’s not a question of Hope yeah fair enough i’ got one other I’ve got one other little piece that I think it be super useful for for you um what’s what’s the thing that like brings the most love into your heart a dog Mitch a friend like just I don’t need a comparison I’m not looking for but just something that immediately just makes feel looking at my dog great great so I want you to get in touch with that heart feeling yeah there it is you know yeah and this is just this is just a pointer for the future this isn’t for now yeah so the word compassion in Greek um basically meant of the guts and so that in your gut when you where all the storage all that gets stored I want you to look at your dog feel that love that you have but also allow it to go into your gut and then what’s it supposed to do there shut up apparently exactly you joke welcome pleasure