When someone close to you is struggling with mental health, the relationship you had is no longer the relationship you have. Just as you wouldn’t go for walks with a paralyzed friend, you can’t expect someone in mental health crisis to be rational, connected, or present in the ways they used to be. Letting go of those expectations is the first and often hardest step.
Self-care isn’t optional—it’s prerequisite. You cannot be good for them if you’re not being good for yourself. Without boundaries, you’ll either enter into their mental health swirl with them or build resentment until you lash out. Neither serves anyone.
Joe emphasizes three concrete steps: adjust your expectations of them, prioritize your own self-care (especially boundaries), and find professional support for both of you. Brett frames it beautifully: the work is grieving the connection you had so you can find the connection that is actually available.
“There’s no possible way for you to be good for them if you’re not being good for yourself.”
Related Concepts
- Boundaries are for you, not them
- Caretaking prevents hitting bottom
- High EQ without boundaries leads to depletion
- Boundary firmness eliminates fear of attack
- Boundaries, not VIEW, are the tool for narcissists