For someone far out on the narcissistic spectrum, VIEW (vulnerability, impartiality, empathy, wonder) won’t bring them into connection — and trying to use it as a tool pulls you out of VIEW entirely. Boundaries are the primary tool.
Narcissists don’t feel contained when their “trip” works. If their anger or passive aggression achieves its goal, they feel unsafe. Containment — where their manipulation doesn’t land — is what actually creates safety for them. This requires being “in love with your own anger enough that their anger doesn’t affect you.”
It’s also completely acceptable to separate from a narcissist, even a parent: “There’s nothing that says that we have to interact with narcissists to be good people.”
Brett clarifies: drawing a boundary is impartial. Being in VIEW might mean being impartial to the reality that “I don’t want to be engaging in the way that we’re engaging right now” and trusting that “taking care of myself is taking care of them on some level.”
Related Concepts
- Narcissism is a spectrum we are all on
- VIEW cannot be used as a tool to get somewhere
- Safe agreements make conflict transformative
- Boundary firmness eliminates fear of attack
- Weaponized boundaries are control in disguise
- Boundaries with children require closeness, gentleness, and mutual respect
- Boundaries are essential when supporting someone with mental health issues
Source
- [[sources/qa-3-common-questions-uncommon-answers|Q&A #3 — Common Questions, Uncommon Answers]]