Children have two competing drives: independence and safety. Without boundaries they feel unsafe and act out increasingly to find the edge. But boundaries must be delivered with closeness, not distance. Joe’s approach: “Stay close and insist.” Not “go brush your teeth” but “we’re brushing our teeth now — we’re going to do this together.”
When children yell at parents, the boundary is: “That’s not how we talk to each other. But if you’re angry, let’s go get angry — I really want you to be able to be pissed.” Joe would even get angry alongside his children, pounding on a bed together. The key is being in it with them rather than doing things to them.
This requires the same respect flowing in both directions. Joe imagines a 20-foot-tall man screaming at him to illustrate what a toddler experiences when a parent yells. He noticed his kids started biting because he nibbled on them playfully — “if you want your kids to treat you with respect, treat them with respect. They will mimic you way quicker than they will do what you tell them to do.”
For teenagers, the lane is simple: treat people with respect, contribute, and demonstrate responsibility to earn freedom. Teenagers who hate their parents have usually been told for years that some part of them isn’t okay.
Related Concepts
- Structure creates safety, not oppression
- Being together in emotions, not caretaking
- Be available, don’t chase teenagers
- Model emotions for children rather than managing them into feeling
- Weaponized boundaries are control in disguise
- Your relationship with yourself shapes your relationship with your children
- Boundaries, not VIEW, are the tool for narcissists