When a parent asks how to help kids who aren’t interested in moving their anger, Joe first names the agenda — and notes that management is exactly what kids resist. Two practical approaches:
First, model it: let your kids witness you moving your own anger. Show them what it looks like rather than telling them what to do.
Second, draw boundaries: when you tell a child they can’t have something, anger naturally arises. That’s the moment to celebrate it: “Yeah! Right on! I love your anger!” rather than stifling it.
The trap many parents fall into is wanting kids to express anger in controlled settings while suppressing it when it’s inconvenient — “don’t get angry at me, but go beat something over there.” This teaches the child that anger isn’t actually okay, so of course they resist the manufactured version.
For older kids (10+), Joe recommends making it collaborative: “This is what I’ve learned about anger. My job as a parent is to teach you this. How do we explore this in a way that works for you?” This is fundamentally different from managing them into an experience they’ll resist.
Related Concepts
- Connection is the core of parenting
- Children bid for connection, not defiance
- Give teenagers something harmless to rebel against
- Boundaries with children require closeness, gentleness, and mutual respect
- To not harm your children, love yourself
Source
- [[sources/qa-3-common-questions-uncommon-answers|Q&A #3 — Common Questions, Uncommon Answers]]