Every way you want somebody else to change is really just a reflection of a way you don’t want to feel. If every time someone yelled at you, you felt like a million bucks, you wouldn’t care if they yelled. If someone being late made you feel loved, you’d welcome it. The real issue is: “I don’t want to feel a certain way, and you’re making me feel it.”
“Anytime you want someone else to be different, it’s a reflection of a way you can’t love yourself.”
This creates a lose-lose: you’re holding them emotionally responsible (disempowering yourself), and you’re trying to control them (disempowering them). The alternative isn’t to accept bad behavior — you might still leave the relationship. But you’d leave from a place of “I love you as you are, and this doesn’t work for me” rather than “you need to change.”
Joe notes it’s incredibly ineffective to try to change someone, comparing it to the saying: “Moving a mountain or changing a man — I’d rather move a mountain.” Even in coaching, he won’t impose transformation — it only works when someone asks for help.
Related Concepts
- What triggers you in others exists in you
- Relationship triggers are yours
- Accepting and asking are not opposites
- Don’t do emotions at people
- Trying to change someone’s passive aggression enters the same dynamic
- Heartbreak is the mechanism of healthy boundaries
- We recreate painful circumstances to finally welcome the avoided emotion