When someone feels uncared for by a partner who struggles to show affection, the question often assumes a false dichotomy: either accept them as they are, or ask for what you want. Joe refuses this framing. You can be completely at peace with someone and still ask for what you want. You can be completely at peace and also not be in a relationship with them.
The approach Joe recommends: have a VIEW conversation. Be vulnerable about how their behavior makes you feel and what you want. Be vulnerable about the childhood patterns that made you think it was acceptable to go without affection. Express your love and appreciation. Then ask them how they want to be with all of that.
“Making peace with the situation is not always the path to freedom.”
If they’re willing to explore, you support each other in healing. If they’re unwilling, you have a choice to make — and it’s yours alone. The key insight: accepting someone fully doesn’t mean abandoning your own needs. It means seeing them as whole and complete while also honoring what you want.
Related Concepts
- Owning your needs is not selfish
- Wanting matters more than what you want
- Both partners must want better
- Compromise means neglecting yourself and it always builds resentment
Source
- [[sources/qa-2-connecting-with-difficult-people|Q&A #2 - Connecting with Difficult People, and More]]