Learning communication techniques without changing your internal state just gives you more sophisticated weapons.
“When somebody learns a communication technique, what they’re learning is how to say something, but they’re not learning where to come from when they say it.”
The Movie Example
In “This Is 40,” the couple uses nonviolent communication phrases:
- “It makes me feel sad when you are dishonest.”
- “I understand it makes you feel bad…”
But it quickly devolves into: “It makes me sad when it’s so easy to trick you into lying because you’re such a lying [bleep].”
Same structure. Same contempt underneath.
Why This Happens
“As soon as the mind goes, the communication technique just becomes weaponized.”
The technique is supposed to create safety and understanding. But if you’re coming from shame, anger, or contempt, the technique just becomes a new way to attack while appearing reasonable.
The Alternative
Joe created the Connection Course because he saw this pattern everywhere. The focus isn’t on what to say—it’s on where you’re coming from when you say it.
Related Concepts
- avoider dynamic in relationships
- The VIEW framework for deep listening
- How we listen shapes what people share
- External relationship patterns mirror internal ones
- You can express anger without directing it at anyone
- True compassion is speaking truth with an open heart, not being nice
- Moving the emotion dissolves depression
- Hearing objections before deciding — even if you decide the same thing — changes everything