You cannot be defensive and in wonder at the same time. If someone says “You’re an asshole” and you’re in genuine wonder, your response is “Oh, how is that? How do you see that?” There’s nothing to defend. You start with a question, which immediately makes the other person feel heard.
“If you’re in wonder, the answer is, ‘Oh, how is that? How do you see that?’ There’s nothing to defend.”
This is powerful because defensiveness itself is stressful—it requires tension, resistance, and energy. Wonder dissolves all of that. The other person expects a fight and instead gets curiosity, which often de-escalates their own stress as well.
Being defensive is also a sign that something has been triggered—that what was said rhymes with your own negative self-talk. Wonder allows you to see this without the defensive reaction, opening the door to self-discovery rather than conflict.
Related Concepts
- Wonder and stress cannot coexist neurologically
- Triggers reveal what we judge in ourselves
- Defense feels like attack to the other person
- Not defending yourself reveals your inherent goodness